By – Pritha Banerjee (LTMHPS)
[“Excuse me Sir!”
“You were with Paromita Ghosh?”
“Sir found this diary beneath her pillow!”
1st Mar’2016: It’s not a single day (some days are exception) that I don’t cry and every time the reason is you. Sandeep, I love you madly. I want to be with you. Why Sandeep? Actually I should hate you for what you have done today, or rather for what you have not done! But still , I don’t.
At the end of the day, I miss you. I feel lonely without you! I want to get your attention. I get angry thinking why didn’t you love me more?
Why do we have an awful future? And guess what! That very moment makes me fall in love with you again. Just the thought that, if we could have been together for a longer time, makes me so happy! The only thought that comes to my mind then is… The days left should have only love and love. No more quarrels, no fights, no complaints!
That’s great. Tomorrow morning I will love him a lot and surprise him. He will definitely forget about today’s fight.
2nd Mar’2016: Today, I am very tired. I went for a check-up. The doctor has fixed the date for my next session of Chemotherapy. So many tests were done again! Aarggh!!! I am tired of all these tests, so many different rooms and lights. It’s a whole day tour throughout the hospital. Will talk to you tomorrow.. Good night for now!
3rd Mar’2016: Today, visited the doctor again! He was satisfied with my reports. I am improving! Yay ! You know, Sandeep was so happy today, he hugged me and kissed me infront of the doctor . Hehe! He is so sweet at times. Now for the best part of the day. Returning from the hospital, Sandeep took me for a long drive. After a long time, I had ice cream today. My ‘buddhu’ bought me two chocolate cone ice cream, my favorite, and the reason being “Itne din baad ‘Bong’ ka ek se kya hi hoga?”..He sounds so cute when he calls me ‘Bong’ or sometimes when he calls me ‘meri bangalan’. I love that!
While driving, he couldn’t stop singing songs for me. We discussed about our college days. Our duet performances in college, our class bunks, movie watching, seeking for last bench corner seats in class, holding hands in class, making fake tattoos, romance inside campus, at canteen, auditorium! Those customary flying kisses before going to different classes, or before departing!
He used to love my long and straight hair. He claims to love my current boy’s cut style. He calls it “ the chikni chameli” look. But I know he hates it. My sweetheart cannot even lie properly in front of me. I wonder what will happen to him after me? Who will listen to his ‘continuous bakbak’ all the time? Who will tolerate his ‘baat baat pe gussa’? Who will make him smile after a hectic day? Who will wake him up in the morning? Fruits? Khana? Who will take care? Gosh, I am worried now!
Oops, he just woke up! Bye..
[Sandeep- “Baccha, Kya hua?”
Paromita- “Nothing sona!”
Sandeep- “Soye kyu nahi abtak? Kuch chaiye kya?”
Paromita- “Abhi sone hi ja rahi thi”
Sandeep- “Kya likh rahi ho diary mein??? Lights off karke so jao baccha!”
Sandeep- “ Pani peeya??? Leke aau?”
Paromita- “ haa, Pee hai. Ab so jao. Good night”
Sandeep- “Good night! “ (With a kiss and a tight hug, holding me in his arms as usual) ]
4th Mar’2016: Today I prepared my Wish List… I mailed it to him during his office hours. He got angry! He said no to all! But, I guess, he said no to keep me calm. He knows that excitement is not good for my health!
Coming to the wish list, it includes very small demands.
Considering I have one month’s time (If the next chemo fails):
- One night limitless drink and love. Want to try smoking also before I die.
- One night – no sleep. Only singing and dancing!
- One tour to Haridwar- Rishikesh, River rafting must!
- One day tour in Delhi- Railway museum- a Must!
- A long drive to Mathura, Vrindavan, Agra.
- You have to buy me a surprise present.
- One frame in front of our bed, laminated with all time photos of ‘us’.
- Since our 2nd anniversary is yet to come (3 more months to go), we can celebrate it earlier. Please plan.
For now, that’s it!
5th Mar’2016: I don’t want him to go to Jaipur, that too for two days. There are so many people in your department. Why do you have to go? Please don’t go! I need you. I miss you. I am scared. What if I die before you come back? What if something happens to me? I want to see you before I close my eyes. I want to listen to you before I close my eyes. Please don’t leave me alone Sandeep. Why don’t you understand me? Why am I never your priority? By the way, today he prepared dinner all alone. My favorites.
6th Mar’2016: Today I got a present from him. One wish is fulfilled. Having a possessive husband like him, I never expected that he’ll buy me a hot dress! It’s been a long time we have been together in that way, because of my illness. Maybe, he misses that! I miss that too sweetheart. I need that too. But he is always scared of hurting me. He called me thrice today from Jaipur! That’s a rare case during work hours. He promised to come back by tomorrow. Let’s see!
7th Mar’2016: He came back early in the morning today! Also a surprise. He brought a saree from Jaipur. We are going to Haridwar tomorrow. He has already planned it through. I’m so happy. I love you Shona. You are the best husband one can ever have. I know, I have never said this! But that’s true. Not because you are taking me for a trip. Thanks for not ignoring my wish.
[Looking to the left] He looks so childish while sleeping. I wish I could paste a photo of him here, at this moment. With his mouth slightly open, one hand below his ears, the other around me. He is my baby!
Talk to you after coming back from Haridwar-Rishikesh.
[After the trip, health deteriorated. Admitted in hospital, narrating to a nurse:]
I know, you will get this when I am no more. But don’t be sad. You know that I can’t see you upset or tensed. I can’t see you quiet. So please don’t change. Always smile. Always remember, that I am here, with you, beside you. You can talk to me, any time you want. Whenever you can, write in this diary. I will read it. Be strong. Don’t be pessimistic. Don’t trust anyone and everyone without a bit of analysis. Believe in yourself and your potential. Love yourself. Think about yourself first and then for others. Don’t harm anyone. I love you. You are the best person I have ever met in my short life. Your love and care has always treated me special and has kept me alive in so much pain. I have always been possessive about you. I could not share you with anyone, not even your colleagues. But, today I would suggest , you move on in life. Find another love in your life. Love her and get loved. But, trust me! NO one will love you more than me. So please don’t forget me. It will hurt! Take care of yourself. Yaar, tu gussa kispe nikalega? Tu zagda kisse karega? Tu chilayega kispe? Buddhuu!!!! You are going to miss me! Are you going to cry?? Don’t cry .
Listen, my wishlist remains incomplete. But that’s okay. Don’t worry, I am not angry with you. Thanks for the Haridwar trip plan. We enjoyed after a long time. Hai na?
Hey, can I ask for something? Please never ever call anyone else your ‘Baccha’. That’s me and only me! Promise?
Am I missing out anything? Bolo na..
I love you. I will miss you. Sorry for fighting with you. Sorry for hurting you by complaining. I know, you have tried more than the best to keep me happy. Take care and smile! Bye. Mmuah.
–always Your dear Baccha!!
13th Mar: Importance of a person is never measured by the place that fills in your life.. But the emptiness that leaves behind when the person is gone… I wish I could tell you how important you are. I love you and will always do! I miss you Bangalan, mera baccha!!